It was 2015….I hate like hell to admit it but I had already been married and divorced once and yet here I was, 15 years later, going through yet another divorce.
I said I’d never marry again. I said I’d never divorce again. My children, then 14, 14 and 6 were old enough to understand what was going on and were asking me questions.
“Will we ever have another man in our house?”
“Is it just us girls forever?”
“Why is there always fighting?”
“Why is he saying bad things about you?”
I wanted to say that I was ashamed. That we would never have another man in our home. That we were fine alone forever and that they should shield their hearts from everything…but I knew, as their mother, as their role model and their guide that what I really felt and should tell them is that the hurt doesn’t last forever. That if you close yourself off you will become bitter and hard. That you have to be careful about who you give your heart to and that when you do you should give it wholly. And that love…real love…forever love, exists and should be cherished.
So I did. As I tucked them in one night those are the messages I gave. Then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I awoke in the middle of the night that night with a message on my mind. So I wrote. And in my journal it has been sitting until this day….
She disrobed from her home, her husband, her career….her title
And she stood there naked. Wondering what was left.
She unraveled herself from the beliefs that were holding her back and from the expectations she had for herself that were no longer realistic.
She was Raw. Naked. Exposed.
She looked at herself for a long time in the mirror and wondered not only who she was, but how she had gotten there.
What she saw when she looked…really looked, was a vulnerable, quiet, unsure little girl. A girl with a pile of unraveled shielding tangled and left at her feet. Bundled on the floor. The pile of ‘stuff’ that she usually put on like a cloak before she left the house.
You see…it is cold and uncomfortable to leave the house exposed and without protection. Silly and socially unacceptable to be naked with your heart open and beating in your hand.
Yet. There she was.
Nov 8/15 1:45am
I sometimes read it before bed. I remind myself that I am a soul and a heart and that it is ok to be vulnerable. It is ok to believe in love…true love, and that one day I will find my forever person.
Until then, I will fall on my face and live to tell all of the ridiculous things that happen and have happened in my crazy, chaotic, 40 years of life. XO